4 Items You Must Have In Your Wardrobe to Survive an American Martial Arts Movie

Ever found yourself in a situation where your brother is mercilessly crippled by a vicious Taiwanese mad man during a kickboxing match? Or maybe your brother was murdered by a kickboxing expert as a part of an underground martial arts-inspired snuff film ring? Maybe you’re simply just stuck battling a cyborg army in the near future? Whatever the case may be, before you seek out that quirky elderly martial arts master in the hopes that he’ll train you to defeat your foes, it’s extremely important to be dressed for the part. You are, after all, in an American Martial Arts movie.

Here are a few items to set you on the right path:

Something VERY American

This is the perfect way to start off your ensemble, as it’s easily the most versatile fashion choices one can make. Whether it be a jacket, a gi, a pair of Zubaz, a headband, an iron-on patch, or any combination of the above, wearing something with an American flag design is a MUST if you want to survive an American Martial Arts film. This is especially true if your film has “American” in the title.

Denim Denim DENIM!

From pairing up jeans with snake skin boots to – and this is more for the ladies – a pair of cut offs complemented by a black leather belt and construction boots, denim works in an endless number of ways. 

For men wearing a pair of jeans, shirts are optional. However, for those who want to play coy, a white tee works well. Just be sure it’s cotton, as cotton is easy to pull/tear off in the moments leading up to that battle with Matthias Hues. Or whoever. Further complimenting the white tee and jeans look, try a brown bomber jacket, as there really is no other outfit quite as trusty. Unless, however, you opt to go the full-Canadian tuxedo route, which is certainly advisable, especially when rockin’ a pair of snake skins.

A Tank Top/Zubaz Combo

Tank tops and Zubaz are like pb&j: you can’t have one without the other. And quite frankly, you’ll need both to get passed that VR Cyber-kickboxer who just found his way into the real world and is looking to wreak havok. 

The great thing about this combo is that it works for any body type. If you’re a bit sloppy, you can go for the loose fitting tank paired with a pair of Zubaz, which serves as a great way to hide that dad bod you got going below deck. On the other hand, if you’re fit as a fiddle and rock a bod worthy of worship, you can go with a tight tank. The Zubaz remain the same, however, as they look good on all body types.

On an important side note, to complete this look, go for a nice white sneaker, preferably a high-top. Alternatively, a wrestling shoe will work, especially if you’re the meat and potatoes type of martial arts fighter.

Something “Asian”

Trained in the skills of Ninjitsu? At some point, you’re going to have to show your legitimacy by busting out the ninja uniform to show the roots of your training. That, or so no one can tell it's not you when you break into the ninja compound and "suddenly" have the acrobatic skills of Mary Lou Retton.

Have a special ancient amulet passed on to you by your Sensei? Well, you’re gonna need it, especially because you’ll have to stare at it intensely before firmly grasping it with one hand as you head out to exact revenge on your misguided step-brother who took it upon himself to murder your sensei-turned-father-figure. It also looks fantastic paired up with the jeans, white t-shirt and bomber jacket outfit you’re likely wearing by this point. Just be sure to wear it OVER the shirt.

These and other such items are perfect for showing your connection to the martial arts as well as demonstrating that your true warrior spirit transcends the fact that you’re a Caucasian.

-Matt-suzaka

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby